Jan 4th: FITNESS VIDEOS

I was not happy yesterday.  It seemed to snow everywhere but here!  I listened and read days worth of speculation of how most of the country would be covered in a blanket of white fluffyness only to be hugely disappointed.

Anyway;

It’s that time of year again when the great untalented begin to realise that the only other parts they’re ever going to get will be from a mechanic’s garage and so resort to doing their bit to stock  HMV’s bargain bins. That’s right, I’m talking about celebrity fitness DVDs.  And, my, are there some treats for us this January!

There’s Shilpa’s Yoga;  Rebecca Wheatley: The New Me; Tricia Penrose:Before and After Body Blitz; Dance It Off with Vicky Binns......the list goes on but my absolute favourite has to be Natalie Cassidy’s Then and Now Workout. Because, frankly, readers, anything that has Sonia from Eastenders touting herself in all the women’s mags as a newly-found member of the Beautiful People, complete with bikini  and sucked-in midriff in a shade taken from a David Dickinson colour chart has got to be worth its weight in comedy-gold.

I’m not a total bitch; there’s no denying that the girl looks better. The DVD cover features a picture of the Natalie of “then” – basically, body like a sack of ferrets and face of a Bash Street Kid – next to the new and improved Natalie of “now” – body like a beach-babe and face of a......transvestite.  You see, unfortunately, her new slimline neck only serves to emphasise her manly jawline and that 2inch thick, visible-from-space layer of make-up completes the ‘geezer-bird’ look.  As for those fake boobs! It seems a shame to be on a diet when you have a cleavage wide enough to store 3 jumbo-sized hotdogs. All that sweaty prancing around could’ve been avoided if she’d spent the breast-implant budget on chin reduction – that’s 12lbs of weight gone instantly.

At least Natalie’s pleased – “I’ve become a bit of a fox”, she’s been quoted as proudly declaring. I can only assume that by this she means she now roams the streets after dark eating left-over sweet and sour pork balls out of people’s bins.

All you aesthetically-displeasing celebs – you have been warned!

Happy Friday!

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